Hell-singing

These are the forty-three (yes that's right 43!!) countries that should be taking part in Eurovision 2007... it's gonna be a big'un!

1) Andorra will no doubt enter a classy song, but have the most bizarre staging you'll ever see...

2) Albania will be fraught, it'll be ethnic, it'll involve a screeching woman...

3) Armenia will be an ethno-stomper involving some light bondage, whether male or not, the singer will have major facial hair issues...

4) Austria will have the pretense of being serious, but will come accross like a complete novelty act...
5) Bosnia-Herzegovina will live up to its reputation of being the campest country in Europe...
6) Belgium will enter some durge sung in French...
7) Bulgaria will have a scandal in their national final, but despite the entry being quite good, they'll end up near the bottom of the scoreboard...
8) Belarus will rape the English language...
9) Switzerland will scale new heights of the mountain known as cheese...
10) Cyprus will enter something guarranteed 12 points from Greece and nowt from everyone else...
11) Czech Republic will be an unknown quantity, but could turn out to be quite credible...
12) Germany will enter something credible that no one will vote for...
13) Denmark will have props and gimmicks a-go-go...
14) Estonia will have a banging europop number that bombs on the night...
15) Spain will have tits and hair flying in all directions...
16) Finland will return to form and prop up the scoreboard come the end of the night...
17) France will enter a woman singing a ballad that ain't in English...
18) United Kingdom will cry foul-play when a half rate act comes almost last...
19) Georgia will be another unknown quantity, but we're guessing it's gonna be ethnic...
20) Greece will enter a hot favourite and be gutted when they don't win...
21) Croatia will have a rocking national final, but plump for someone singing a ballad in a trouser suit who'll come 12th...
22) Hungary will enter some turbofolk on speed...
23) Ireland will enter a ballad based loosely on "Pan-Pipe Moods Vol. 6"...
24) Israel will all hold hands, sing about peace and walk sideways accross the stage...
25) Iceland will see fans shocked when they don't qualify for the final...
26) Lithuania will be a load of old rubbish...
27) Latvia will continue yo-yo-ing around the scoreboard and will be in the top 5 this year...
28) Monaco will enter the same thing as France did 8 years ago...
29) Moldova will leave you thinking 'what the fuck'...
30) Montenegro will enter a boyband with No Name...
31) FYR Macedonia will inexplicably qualify from the semi-final, but come nowhere in the final...
32) Malta will enter the most twee entry of the night...
33) Netherlands will leave you wondering why they even bothered...
34) Norway will enter whatever Sweden did last year...
35) Poland will come 11th in the semi-final...
36) Portugal will enter something that would have won in 1985...
37) Romania will be represented by a banging dance track...
38) Russia will be shite, but harvest votes quicker than Stalin deported folk to Siberia...
39) Sweden will enter something sounding nothing like ABBA...
40) Slovenia will take hairdressing to new limits...
41) Serbia will enter a half dressed woman screamin some Balkan ethnopop at ya...
42) Turkey will enter some woman well past her sell-by-date dressed in lycra...
43) Ukraine will have cossacks, whips and chains-a-plenty...